Confidence.

About a girl?

Early morning/late night Saturday October 31st/Sunday November 1st 2009

I meet her, a crazy name like mine, more in common than I think at the time; and the opposites attract, similar taste in knowledge up to a point.
I want, lust, or friendship, affection, touch; but fear rejection, afraid, paranoid, worried about criticism and pain.
Confidence lacking; how to show my heart?
And is what I’m feeling real, will this just be a stable friendship; is there anything more there, a good companion, a lover? Like Jimmy Hendrix said; “Love or confusion?” Sorting out my own head, even then would I be satisfied?
What does it mean anyway, touching, smiling, fucking, avoiding awkward moments and that weird feeling of knowing thoughts you can’t and don’t want to track are rolling through someone else’s head; they were friendly yesterday, why not today?
What’s happened between?
Why do people sometimes say one thing and do another, no guaranteed pattern, peoples emotions don’t act like a physics experiment, we’re not logical analytical entities; and understanding the irrational reason and finding a reason and way to requited eternal love, for a human what better objective is there?
Can she make the first move if she’s interested? Would she have the confidence to do that? Should I rely on that? Where’s my instincts; my desire and need?
Sedentary and sedated now, meet another girl on the street; beauty isn’t everything but a nice smile counts for a lot.
And then the idea that words on a page can twist a friendship and stop something blossoming, fear; or maybe words on a page can create a window into someone’s mind, acceptance and trust even if you don’t always get what you want.
Safe and with friends; better here than some places.
Happy to be alive.
What is the move any ways? A hug? A smile? A sign indicating friendship? And how to live without the risk of embarrassment, or just to be fearless with regards to the idea of; to not worry and live in the now?
Is it a serious move or just something wanted because of temporary loneliness?
What’s the repercussions, a group of people that treat you differently for being true to yourself, do you really want what you think you want anyway; is that treachery; is there any dishonesty in that, simple is often best.
I guess the important thing is to be able to live in an environment where you don’t need to feel ashamed of who you are, where you don’t need to fear rejection or a difference in opinion, where you can respect others and be respected by; and that’s where I’d like to be.
Like really, feelings when your drunk, and now I feel this going the wrong way, as compared to sober and the slight awkwardness of a situation where you don’t quite know how to swim and maybe you want the other person to lead; a gender role stereotype that does and doesn’t fit, the image of a thousand men proposing on their knees and not one woman; only one friend who said in passing about a girl he loved that he thought that she should ask and now she’s gone from his life.
I guess 100 years from now a little bit of criticism doesn’t matter so much if you end up winning what you need.